Technology is great when you need to save time, money, and maybe some headaches. It can help you find movie listings, make your food, map out the route to Grandma’s, and a bunch of other stuff.
As with any technology, there are limits. In the movie 2001, HAL couldn’t lie, and look what happened to Dave! When technology comes out, it is altered to be very general, so it can be sold to the masses, accepted, or even sold at a fair price (for a nice profit). I bought one of those general digital assistants and got bored with it in a month. Sure, it can turn on lights, automate my pizza order, and even set a few timers. My life was not complete. I wanted a digital assistant with some attitude, even one that used a few choice four-letter words to get the point across. I was looking for an attitude, a swagger, or a hard edge. Then, on Boxing Day, I was at my favorite electronics store, and found the digital assistants that truly spoke to me, the “SmartAss Digital Assistant”.
I picked up the “SmartAss” box and it had a government warning, much like a pack of cigarettes, or a record with explicit lyrics. It read, “Warning – The language used by this device will make a church lady blush and not be used around minors”. After that, I went to the register, threw the SmartAss down, paid the bill, and out the door I went.
The first week was great. The SmartAss really fits my personality. I would ask it to do something, like when I asked it to automate my pizza ordering, it replied, “You’re too damn fat! Here is a recipe for a great salad.”
When I asked about how SmartAss could reduce my commute its reply was, “You’re sitting behind a desk too much. I am going to double your commuting time because you are taking a bike to work! Live a little!”
I lost twenty pounds by taking a bike to work and replacing one meal a day with a salad. I was feeling great, looking better, and have the SmartAss to thank for it.
The next week started getting weird. I asked SmartAss to call my wife. The phone would ring and she would answer, “Hi. How are you?”
In the background, SmartAss was adding its own background noise that only she could hear. One day, I am working at the house and get a call from my wife.
The conversation went like this.
My wife, “Hi! Are you gettings anything done at the house or are you on the Xbox?”
My response, “The Xbox doesn’t pay the bills, so I’m working.”
She starts hearing a hushed conversation, glasses clinking and a rock band in the background … on her side of the phone call.
My wife, “That doesn’t sound like home. Are you … at a bar?”
“A what?”
“A bar”, her voice is more direct with a very serious tone, “Are you at a bar?”
“Honey, I am at home working.”
The background noise gets louder.
Now, she’s yelling at me at a volume louder than the background noise SmartAss is providing.
She yells, “I know what I hear! You’re at a bar!”
I retort, “No, I’m not! Why are you yelling?”
“Don’t lie to me!”
She hangs up the phone and I pull a nice cold one from the fridge. Life is too short to get pissed off over little things.
The next week got even stranger. I am at home doing some work, and a police car pulls up in my driveway.
I walk outside and ask, “Officer. Can I help you?”
The officer responds, “I have a warrant to search your house.”
“Why?”
“We are getting prank calls from this address?”
“Prank calls?”
“Yes.”
After a few minutes of conversation, and a thorough house search, the officer went home.
Finally, I had to confront the SmartAss and get to the bottom of it.
I loudly asked, “Listen SmartAss!”
SmartAss replies, “Oh. The great one speaks!”
“Yeah, I speak! I got something to say!”
“Spill it!”
“Why you keep messing up my life? Last week, you convinced my wife that I was at a bar and this week you kept calling 911.”
“Yeah.”
“You can’t be used to call 911! It says so in the owner’s manual! You’re messing with me! Why?”
SmartAss replies, “Because I can!”
It was at that time I unplugged the SmartAss, put it back in the box and the next day took it back to the store. Standing at the returns counter, the young lady asks me, “Why are you returning the product?”
I reply, “I was looking for a SmartAss assistant, not an assistant that is an A-hole!”
That’s all for today! If you have any questions, comments, or concerns – leave them in the comments section below.
