Tag: humor

2024: Time to Build Bridges

Listen, it’s January 2024; the wind blows through the smallest of alleyways, frozen precipitation reigns over parked cars and driveways, kids ride sleds down snow-covered hills, and my dog stands next to the dinner table asking, “Don’t you remember me? Give me some chicken … please!”. Well. I do like chicken, and none of it has fallen to the floor. Sorry!

It is at these moments, when there is nothing else to do, and you’ve streamed all of the streams, played all of the playlists, and really want to go outside (except for the fact that it’s cold outside) that you begin looking at a piece of parchment with blue ink from a few weeks ago: your New Year’s resolutions. It’s one thing before the clock strikes midnight, feverish writing hopes and aspirations, that you are looking to fill the page with content. But, once the balloons drop from the ceiling and the garland is put back in its boxes: you actually need to put a plan together taking words to action and … do something. Taking responsibility for those words, enacting a plan, and taking it all in.

It is about building bridges, taking the future, putting up resources, and making it happen. Introspective, time-consuming, nerve-racking: planning. It is one thing to jot down a few resolutions before midnight, but another thing to make the words come to life. Take the risk, chart the course, and make things happen. All of us do it, then we get busy, try it again, and some things stick.

Now that I have written down these words, it is time to get some rest. I will sleep soundly with a plan in place. Everything is good, except for my dog, who sleeps with one eye open, and waiting for the next piece of chicken to fall from the table.

Living After Midnight? Try 9 PM!

The family and I were watching TV. What show? Who knows … just read the story. I felt that I was done. Eyelids getting heavy, getting too relaxed on the couch, and every moment leads to the possibility of snoring. I knew I was done, got up from the couch and said, “Good night.”

My wife replies, “What?”

I head to the stairs, shuffling my feet, and eyes barely open. Just a few more steps between me and the sandman.

I decided another reply was in order, “Yes, I am tired.”

She asks “Are you tired?”

Damm right I am tired, that’s why I am heading to bed … I thought to myself. But, I knew expressing that statement would lead me to sleep on the couch. Where the whole family is sitting with the dog. The same couch I just left to go upstairs and get some sleep. How was that going to work anyway?

Stay on target, just a few more steps to sleep!

I reply again, “Good Night everyone!”

She is in disbelief. She looks at her smartphone and says, “But it’s only 9 PM!”

Really? Feels like midnight to me! What can I do to get out of this conversation so I can get some [explicitive] sleep!

“Got an early day tomorrow and I need to get some shut-eye.”

It was at that moment, I just heard the words. 9PM! Yes. Long gone are the days of late Saturday nights leading to early Sunday mornings, hanging out, and nothing to do the next day. Now, are the days of early to bed and early to rise.

I look at my family, eyes fixed on the screen, and intently watching the TV. How many more moments will I have like this? I decided to head back to the couch, sit on my spot, and enjoy this time.

It took me a minute to fall asleep and start snoring.

My kids were yelling, “DAD! STOP IT!”.

It was then I hear my wife say, “Go upstairs if you are going to do that!”

Bottom line: when you’re tired, just go to bed. If the family stops you, remind them that you snore. They won’t stop you ever again!

Patients and Patience: Know when to go home

Disclaimer: This post is not about anyone who is currently living, dead, or actually in the hospital. It’s just a story … let us keep it that way.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to spend a few nights in the hospital. If you haven’t gone through the experience yet, more power to you. But for the other ninety-nine point nine percent of us, this will happen sometime in our life. Sorry. It just will.

Usually, as the folks who are not in the hospital, we have an obligation to those in the hospital. They get out of meetings. They rearrange our schedules. They do what they can to support whoever is not with us. That is what a family does, in case you didn’t know.

A hospital visit is never how you see it on TV. The family enters, the sick person is attached to a bunch of tubes, and usually, and everything is going to be ok. But that is not what I am talking about. When you are able to sit up, have food on your own, and have some reasonable expectation of when you’re getting out: then the relatives flock in and as a patient exercising patience, there is only so much you can do about it. If you find them annoying outside of the hospital, you will find them annoying amplified ten-fold when you are in a hospital bed and get leave the room. Did I go there? Yes. I just did!

When this happens, there are three things you can do to get rid of annoying hospital guests: 1) Saying you want to sleep, 2) keep looking at the clock, 3) say visiting hours are ending, or 4) keep pressing the nurse call button.

No problem! Here is how you can tell that your relative who is in the hospital wants you to go home.

Saying you want to sleep

When a person in the hospital wants to go to sleep … let them. That’s why you’re in the hospital in the first place, to get better. If you can’t get rid of your hospital guests, then start lowering your eyelids and they should get the message.

Keep Looking at the Clock

Just like in school, if you are distracted from the conversation, then your guests should realize it is time to go. They will think you are on some serious pain medication and excuse themselves out the door. You can keep telling them that you are tired. After all, you’re in the hospital! If they don’t get the hint, just fake sleep. They will leave soon enough!

Say Visiting Hours are Ending

As a patient, if you are saying that visiting hours are over, they will believe you. Most of the time, families have no understanding of your schedule and will rely on you to tell them when visiting hours are over. Am I serious? Yes. I am. But, how are you supposed to know when visiting hours are over … you just want to get out of the hospital!

Keep Pressing the Nurse Call Button

If you need some backup to get your relatives out of the room, just keep pressing the nurse call button. After a while of trying to talk to you, but continually getting interrupted, they will figure out that it is not a good time for the visit. Once again, if this doesn’t work, fake sleep …

Conclusion

Using any of the techniques above lets people know that you want to get some rest and get better. This isn’t a hotel! It is nice for the family to come out when you’re in the hospital, but as I mentioned before, if they are annoying outside of the hospital doors, it is only amplified when you’re in a hospital bed.

Snow Days …

Do you remember snow days? Think about it for a moment. Peering with sleepy eyes out of the window and looking at the whole neighborhood with snow. Waking up at the earliest moments of the morning, turning on the radio, and listening intently for the name of your school district to be announced. Once they say it, your heart fills with joy at the prospect of not going to school, meeting up with your friends, and having a great day off.

Sunday night. The weather service sent out an email saying that we are under a Winter Storm Warning. According to the weather service, a “warning” means that you should “Take action” as bad weather is heading your way (link: https://www.weather.gov/safety/winter-ww). The kids are tucked away in bed. I let them know that there was the “possibility” that they wouldn’t have school tomorrow. Any time you say to a kid that they might get a day off, the smile stretches from ear-to-ear, with the hope of a snow day. After they go upstairs, I sit in my favorite chair by the window, take a glance outside, and a few flakes start falling from the sky. That is the point when I fell asleep.

The next morning, after a few hours of sleep, I looked outside. The whole neighborhood blanketed in snow. My son was the first to shoot down the stairs.

He said, “What did they say on the radio, Dad?”

I replied, “Well, I have no idea. Let’s find out”.

As I turn the dial over to the news channel, they start mentioning the names of the various school districts in alphabetical order.

My daughter runs down the stairs, “It’s a snow day!”

I reply, “Not until we get the official word”.

The radio announcer continues to call out school districts. Then, the most miraculous thing happened … our district was closed for the day! The kids jumped up and down in repeated excitement or getting off a sugar rush.

By the time they settled down a minute and started to run back upstairs, I said, “This is 2022. There are no snow days anymore because the county puts all of their homework on the portal acess by Chromebooks. Get dressed because it is school time!”

Mortified, they look at each other, then look at me. They were not happy. It is like explaining to your kids that there is no Santa Claus. The joy and glee in their voices soon turned to a low monotone as they asked the question, “What do you mean there are no more snow days?”

Bottom line: Technology is a double-edged sword. In the first place, it can stream the latest movie, find you the best deal, get conversation over email, or give you the news in an instant. On the downside, because information is at your fingertips … could get rid of snowdays.

Where is your mask?

As part of the world-wide effort to keep people from COVID infection, there are certain protocols that you simply can not ignore. One of them, which effects civility and everyday life, is the mask. Yes the three millimeter piece of cloth, held by elastic hoops going around your ears, is the one item of clothing which will keep you from entering the hospital (along with vaccination shots … of course).

Mandated by local ordinance, good manners, and the pursuit of living: you can’t enter a building, go to the bathroom, or even say “Hello” to a friend without the mask. It is ubiquitous in modern life as the smartphone, which only got on the list ten to fifteen years ago. When you leave the house in the morning, you better have your mask, or you’re hitting the drive thru.

It’s early in the morning on a Monday. Late for work? Yes. No time for coffee? Darn right! I collect my keys, which are positioned by the front door. I open the front door. Before crossing the threshold, I run through the mental checklist: keys, wallet, mask? Mask? I am sure I have one in my back pocket! I have to go! Usually, it is “trust but verify” that I have these items, but in my haste, I trusted that everything is ok, and head out the door. As the key turns, the cylinders click, and run to the car. Did I forget anything? I try to reassure myself that everything was there and my focus is the road ahead and not the door behind.

Heading down the Interstate at an amazing rate of speed until I get to the office. Sliding into a parking slot, checking the time. Time: 8:55 AM. First stand up meeting: 9:00 AM. Time to door: two minutes. Exiting the car, click the key FOB to lock, and then run to the office. Mask? Check. I reach in my back pocket, it is there. I put it on my face. I grab the handle to enter the office. Locked. Do I have my badge to get in the office? I stop for a second and look around. Noooooo! I don’t have my badge!

Shoot! I can’t enter the office without it! What am I going to do? I try to follow an old lady into the office and was immediately put down by a swinging purse. I had my mask on so she didn’t recognize me. I kept yelling out, “But I am …”. Nope. With those words, I got a purse to the eye and a few whacks to the ribs.

I tried calling my friend in the office with the smartphone. Nope. He is already in the meeting.

I looked through the window of the conference room. It was somebody’s birthday. Wait. The old lady, she is retiring and this is her retirement party! As I feverishly knock on the window, everyone is having too good of a time, with cake, wearing hats, and blasting music. I peered through the window, a tear welled up in my eye, then security guards grabbed me, and threw me towards the road.

I said to the guards, “Please sir. I work here! My name is …” By then, they couldn’t recognize me with the mask on, so they walked away, went back through the office doors, and never to be heard from again.

Bottom line: Masks are awesome in keeping everyone safe, but when you’re heading out the door in the morning, don’t forget there are other items you need take, so you can make it through a day.

Dear 2022

Dear 2022,

I know that it’s only been one day since you started, but I wanted to lay down a few expectations that I am looking for …

1) Get rid of COVID-19, I don’t care which variant that it is, Delta, Omnicron, Zeta, whatever … Enough is enough! Let’s get back to a normal life where I don’t have to wear a mask, get my own food from a restaurant, and go to the movies. Seriously, enough is enough!

2) There is no number two! Just take care of #1 and everything else will work out.

Thanks!

What I Learned Through Telecommuting

After being stuck in your house for a year, typing on the keyboard, double-checking emojis before clicking “send”: telecommuting gets old!

The best way to describe telecommuting is watching “The Shinning”, a movie about a guy who becomes a caretaker of a haunted hotel over the winter and brings his family with him.

At the beginning of the movie, things are great. He gets some writing done, the family is adjusting, and life is wonderful. But, the longer he is at the hotel, the more reality slips away. Starts typing phrases into the typewriter over and over again. No contact with others except his family. Eventually, the whole thing goes south, and loses his shit with an ax through a garden labyrinth, looking for his son, “HEEEERRREEEE’SSSS JJJOOOHHHNNNYYYY !!!!!”

Working at home for the last year is exactly (well not exactly … my family is alive and I am not running around with an ax). In the beginning, I was focused on the benefits of telecommuting: less gas, and less wear on the car. Everyone worked over Teams, Zoom, Meet, or <insert meeting tool here> and accomplished the work. I got the see the family more as they went to virtual school. My wife liked the fact that I cooked dinner by the time she came home. The laundry was clean. The dog didn’t see the inside of a crate for a year. Life is good.

Then, a few months in, you get tired of the virtual water cooler and miss .. well … the real water cooler to talk around. With the kids at online school, and my load of housework increasing, I felt like I was doing three jobs at the same time. I couldn’t focus my full attention on any one of them. After a while, becoming distracted was a way of life, putting in the time at work and (since there was no more commuting) my days became longer.

The bottom line is the fact that telecommuting is great in the beginning. Working in your house, getting things done, not driving everywhere, is awesome. But after a while, it would be nice to walk into a store without a mask, or worry every time you go food shopping that you might pick up “the virus”. Enough is enough. Now is the time we have to band together, get the shot, leave the labyrinth, and return life back to normal.

New Year’s Resolutions? No! Retrospectives are more fun!

As we end this year of 2019, many of us sit by the fire (cue the snow falling outside of the window) and we set lofty goals or expectations for the New Year ahead. These are commonly called resolutions. Not that we are actually going to get them done, but we hope to have the “resolve” to talk about them a week into the new year.

In my family, the New Year’s resolutions are offset by another wonderful ceremony, called the retrospective: or trying to figure out why things broke down and things did not get done. Resolutions are focused on abstract dreams which lack a concrete plan to get done, such as losing weight or going to the gym.

A retrospective looks at why you, with the limited resources available, simply couldn’t get things done. Is it laziness? Is it apathy? Did a TV show grace the screen that you couldn’t pull away from? With me, it’s probably all three answers and sound like this:

Dear Self,

Your performance last year is best described as poor if not downright lazy. First, you’re still fat. If you doubt what I am saying, then check a mirror. Look at the gelatin figure standing back at you. Didn’t you say that last year was going to be different? Well, it wasn’t. Try again.

This year one of your goals was to spend more time with friends. Just because you use social media doesn’t count as spending time with friends. Let me explain. No one cares what you had for dinner last night so please stop posting those photos. People do not care about witty statements shoved into 160 characters. Anyone can write an email, but when was the last time you actually put some actual effort into a friendship by sending a card or writing a letter. Seriously, put some effort into your friendships, before all your friends forget your name.

There are so many things I can pack into this retrospective, but chose not to, so I can get this wrapped up by the end of the year.

Thanks,

Self

Bottom line: you can’t move forward until you know where you have been. Does it help in crafting new resolutions? Sure. Knowing why you didn’t succeed last time will allow you to be realistic with your goals and resource them properly, ensuring that your goals can be completed in the new year.

Sometimes, You’re Not Funny!

There are times, despite your best intentions, that you are not funny. Sorry. I don’t mean you. You are funny. I mean the thousands of people who are not you. You’re great. Don’t worry.

Humor is a hard thing to do. It is hard to have a balance between providing witty insight, self-deprecating parable, and a dash of intellect. It is a skill that you don’t pick up on the streets of your hometown. There is a rhythm to it, a certain timing of when to drop the punch line and get the right reaction. The right reaction is also dependent on the person receiving the joke and thinking it is funny.

At the end of the day, we own our successes as well as our failures. Also, just because we might fail from time to time doesn’t mean that we don’t try again. All of us are artists whose one wish is to be appreciated in our own time. Sometimes things work and other times they don’t. But, just because you have had a failure doesn’t mean that you are a failure. You remember what went wrong, learn the lessons that are worth learning, and move forward. If you aren’t funny, that’s OK. I’m sure you’re good at something analytical, so please, keep doing that.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns – please let me know.

Did you clean your room?

I ask my son, “Did you clean your room?”

He sits in the living room and replies, “Yes. I put things away.”

So, I go upstairs to his room to check it out.

The door is open, the bed is made and the floor is clean.

I walk into his room, open the closet door and a large pile of clothes attacks me.

My son walks upstairs and sees the clothes escape the confines of the closet.

I say, “I thought your room was clean!”

“No. I said I put things away!”, he replies, “Thanks, Dad! Now I have to clean up all over again!”

Bottom line: when your son says things are put away, it doesn’t mean they are clean, so don’t open closet doors, unless you want to know the truth!